Author: DeclanWalker

“I’m just not really feeling it….”

It seems that the one thing we could all do with, is a bit more motivation. I speak with a lot of people each week, and at the moment especially, people are saying such things to me as,

“How do you stay so motivated? I just can’t bring myself to do certain things, I’m exhausted. I wish I was more- I don’t know.
I’m just not that motivated I guess….”

Can you relate? If so, you’re not on your own.

I feel that motivation is a very misunderstood concept, and after several years of teaching and training both adults and children, working in both the public and private sectors, my understanding of motivation has progressed to mean something quite different now to what I thought it was.

The most common expectation that many people seem to have with themselves is that they SHOULD be able to just motivate themselves to do things and to be a certain way; like flicking on a light switch- boom! It’s on and you feel bright, and dazzling and illuminating. Well, not quite. I would like to suggest a shift in metaphor for you to help you see that motivation is more like a relationship- you do your best, over a period of time, you have good and bad moments, but you hang in there because there is high value. And like a relationship, motivation can often provide you with wonderful and unexpected surprises, if you are open to them.

There is not just one type of motivation, or way to be motivated. Just like there is not one type of person, or relationship. I’ve found so far that there are several that keep coming up in my work with Kataholos, so I would like to share two of them with you here and more in future writing.

Fleeting Motivation

This is the most common type of motivation that people recognise and yet, it is the most infrequent to occur. When you feel this type of motivation you are full of energy, you can suddenly think clearly and see solutions to problems. You may feel physically lighter and a partially thing- a piece of music, an image, a sound- can fill you full of vitality. You feel like you can take on the world! Now I have experienced this, and it is indeed wonderful. But it is rare, it is fleeting: it floats in on some a magical breeze of emotional electricity, sets you on fire for a moment, and then passes on, to illuminate and empower the next person.

So manage your expectations for this type of motivation. We are not entitled to wake up and feel this every day, so enjoy it when it occurs. You can’t really plan for it, just enjoy it whilst it lasts. There are 168 hours in a week, and i would say that I only feel this type of motivation perhaps two or three times in a week, for a total of an hour or two. And that’s not a bad thing at all. Because when it occurs, I know how rare it is- so I make the most of this type of motivation whilst it is around. I may delve into a work project, or dance, smile and just take a moment to enjoy the experience and how good it feels. But it is fleeting, so I let it go. This, therefore, creates a problem that you may now be considering. If this may only happen to you for an hour or two each week, how can you stay motivated for the other 165-166 hours?!

That’s where the next type of motivation comes in.

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Information

Firstly, to be more positive you need to have access to more positive material. So make it a priority to find it! There’s so much on the internet- start with just a google search of positive quotes, positive news stories, positive people. Watch videos, read articles, take in lots of positive information. One of the best things to do is to learn about real life people who have been and done hugely positive things with their life. Some great ones to get your started are:

Les Brown
Louise Hay
Jackie Chan
Tony Robbins
Oprah Winfrey
Jim Kwik
Ellen

In order to think and do more positively, you need to have the information that begins the process. Negative news tends to get a lot more coverage, and so looking for authentic positive people, stories and resources that inspire you is a bit like digging for gold. But it’s out there, and massively valuable to you.

Positive action

Research one positive person today, print off a picture of them and memorise a positive story about them to share with someone you love.

Positive action

Use the positive thinking questions, choose one for each day and repeat them throughout the day for a week. Then repeat this four times for a month. It can take your brain around 3-4 weeks to begin to begin to think in different way more naturally.

Positive action

Pick one positive thing from the list for you and the list for others and begin doing them today!

Blogging buddies

Myself and Stephen are both keen bloggers, and whilst in a particularly fruitful period of publishing 8 blogs in 8 weeks, I noticed that Stephen had been enjoying them. With mutual shared interests in leadership, music, offering value, people skills and the deeper aspects of management and leadership, we decided to have a catch up on zoom. It was on this call that I learned of RBI’s consistant efforts to actively continue to provide value for their members at this challenging time for global businesses. It was here that I thought the Kataholos Online Health and Wellbeing Course could be a great fit to help with the mental health, inspiration, motivation and wellbeing of RBI members such as those whom I met in Malta.

Leading from love

Introduction

This is an extract from my framework for loving leadership, which I hope will give you a good feel for the six beliefs that inform thinking as, practising and being a loving leader.

Loving leaders embrace six core beliefs

There is no enemy

This is a very important belief and that is why it is the first. Throughout history fearful leaders have created a narrative where they are often the hero or heroine, and there is an other-some kind of monster who is the enemy and we should be fearful of these people. We should hate them and be scared of them. And fearful leaders have created an enemy out of people for being of a different skin colour, nationality, religious belief, political association, sexuality, the reasons are often completely false and unjustified. The underlying sinister aspect is this- they seek to create a boogeymen, and make others into that monster: and they seek to make is see it as true.

A loving leader sees through such false narratives and understands this: there is no enemy. There never has been. People have only been enemies to each other through-often unconsidered- choices. This narrative that others are our enemies and we are the heroes or heroines is one of the most damaging that we have experienced in our human history. It has resulted in wars, death, prejudice, pain and suffering.

And the wonderful news is that loving leaders choose better, they actively base their actions on the solid foundational belief that we no longer have to be enemies to each other. Take a moment to consider the incredible transformative ramifications of this belief. We do not have to exist in a binary choice of enemy and ally, or friend and foe, or us and them. Consider this for a second, how do you, in your life, define “us”? How do you define “them”? Is it from a starting place of love or a starting place of hate? This first choice can completely revolutionalise the way you lead and the way that you treat people.

Loving leaders do not believe in enemies. They understand they the only enemy you have is the one you choose to have. We can choose better, and they do.

Self reflections questions

Who have been your perceived enemies in the past?

Can you think why this was?

What would it look like if you no longer thought of them as enemies but as flawed humans just trying to do their best?

Grow and develop

Loving leaders understand that they have a duty to grow and develop people.

We all carry huge potential inside us, but so often this potential is unrealised and unfulfilled. A loving leader understands that it is their role to help to provide an environment where people feel safe and comfortable and also challenged and thought highly of, so as to strive to achieve their greatness. From a business point of view, empowered and fully capable teams are absolute dynamite in terms of high performance, loyalty and always, always worth the investment of effort, time and money. If you doubt this, just look at the affect that a favourite teacher of yours from your childhood will have had on you and your classmates- can you remember the positive vibe in the room?

Loving leaders have very high standards and expect a lot from their people; they expect them to put in the effort and by providing opportunities consistently, for their people to embrace them and run with them. So they provide training, mentorship, peer reviews,
two way feedback that is more like an honest conversation than and interview, and always seeks to empower their people to be able to do it themselves. Like a parent teaching their child to ride a bike, a loving leader invests and creates the opportunity, then nurtures a sense of adventure and autonomy in their people, so that they can ride out on their own. The goal is not to encourage people to need you as a leader, but to be self motivated and fully responsible in themselves. The love gives feely of itself, and in doing so new and beautiful things grow and develop.

Self reflections questions

Who truly inspired your growth and development?

What is it about who they were or what they did that inspired you?

How did they encourage you to develop?

Can you show this to your people?

Embrace paradox

Loving leaders understand that the dualistic thinking of something or someone as entirely good or bad, can only take us so far. We must go further and embrace the paradoxical nature of our life and of our relationships.

Dualistic thinking is all about good or bad, hot and cold, light and dark. And too often we can apply overly simplistic and generic thinking towards our people and their circumstances. We see behaviour that we don’t like, so we can label and judge a person, thinking that we are in the right, when so often we may be misinformed, misunderstood or just plain wrong. A loving leader understands that there is always more going on underneath the surface in people’s lives than they show, and makes allowances for this.

Loving leaders know that to label people, circumstances or situations as good of bad exclusively, is very poor judgement, both from a business point of view and definitely as it pertains to people and relationships. Think about it now. Have you ever had a terrible situation that in the long term lead to growth, healing and wonderful things? In that case, might we have judged the thing or person too soon, as the real value has only been revealed over a longer period of time?

Loving leaders know that any judgements made need to be as informed as possible, and are comfortable that something can be both potentially wonderful and terrible at the same time. They look for the flaws in the brilliance and the value in the supposedly useless. This makes them in a business context very sharp, disruptive and flexible, as their humility keeps them always on the lookout for potential to be realised from unlikely places.

Self reflections questions

What situation or which person have you previously considered as either exclusively good or bad?

Can you see them in a different way?

Can you look for the good in supposedly “bad” people and events?

Would you like someone to categorise you as just good or bad?

Relationships are sacred

Loving leaders have the highest of standards for their relationships with their people.

Every sector, the public and private, as well as sport and charity is based on and lived through, people and our relationships. And a loving leader sees the huge importance that quality relationships play in any kind of work, project or goal worth achieving. Consider this- what is the limit on how good a relationship can be? There isn’t one! A loving leader knows this and invests and invests in their relationships, building trust, loyalty, fondness, respect and compassion between members tirelessly. When you treat people this well, suddenly they will open all doors for you, because you made them feel seen, heard and affirmed. You will have shown that you have their back, and so they will be comfortable to show you their true best. I have seen this countless times, and it is truly moving.

Think about all the amazing relationships that you have had in your life so far- friendships, partners, family, colleagues- and consider how much you have achieved together because of your relationships together. Loving leaders understand something important that can be so easily missed- we all belong together, right here and now, with each other. No exceptions, all are welcome. If you can embrace this belief, you will never feel lonely again, you will carry a sense of belonging for and with all, with you always.

Self reflections questions

Think of two of your best relationships in your life.

What makes them to special to you?

What actions take place regularly to make them so good?

How do they make you feel?

Think long term

Loving leaders think very long term- 50 years ahead at least, if not towards future generations, and this focus directs their decisions and subsequent actions.

I first learned to think very long term when I was a teacher. When I was teaching 5 year olds, I would remind myself that they would be 18 in 13 years, and they would probably still remember things that I had taught them and how I treated them. Apply that into a business context. Can you imagine hawk good one of your people would feel if you told them that you were actively planning for their development and growth thinking 20-50 years ahead? Can you imagine how valued and affirmed they would feel? What would that do for their confidence and how much effort they put in for you?

If you are a parent, then you are already a loving leader who thinks long term. You want your children to grow up and have long, healthy, happy lives. And you can treat your people at work exactly the same, and tell them so. This long term focus will help you to make the best considerations for both you and the business: for growth, for direction and for legacy. Can you imagine if three generations of people worked for your company or formed their own and united with yours? Can you imagine the positive value that could generate in the world? That kind of long term thinking is how loving leaders think.

Self reflections questions

What does long term mean to you- 5, 10, 20, 50 years?

How could you improve your approach if you thought of the impact your could have on the next three generations of people?

Choose your meaning

One of the most important choices that the loving leader embraces is the freedom to choose meaning. So much happens in our lives: the incredible, the terrible, the beautiful and the bizarre. And yet even these very words to describe life demonstrate a choice to judge what something means. If one of your people is going through something difficult, and you can help them to discover and find meaning in it and through it, this is your duty as a leader. There is nothing worse for a person than to feel undervalued, that they and what they do is meaningless and hope is something just for other people.

We can choose what something means for us in our lives, we can choose to pursue what is meaningful and reject what is a waste of time. And in doing so we must also remember that what has meaning to someone else, we must be careful with. If something is special to one of your people and is very meaningful to them, regardless of how how you feel about it, by honouring this, you honour them. And the wonderful thing is that others can help you to find your meaning as well. Meaning brings life truly alive- we feel joy, purpose, a sense of achievement and progress and a sense that we really do matter, if only because we decide that we do.

Loving leaders understand that they need to know what is meaningful for their people and to talk in their language. They are careful to protect the meaning and importance of what matters to their people in a way that is always affirmative and encouraging. Because this is one of the great privileges of leadership: you can help a person to discover purpose and find meaning in their life. And once you have experienced the sheer joy which that brings, and how much a person is cable of when they feel that they matter, you will never see a single person as meaningless ever again. Suddenly you will see it, we are all very special.

Self reflections questions

What does leadership mean to you?

How have you come to this meaning?

Would you like to improve and change its meaning?

What one thing could you do today to begin this process of focusing on what means the most to you?

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Part 1: from fear towards love

Why are so many people leading from a place of fear?

I recently went on a walk with my Dad and we talked a lot about leadership. He has 40 years experience in it, and has so much wisdom. Something that naturally came up was the abuse of power by politicians, and leadership, people who are close minded in their outlooks on life and our experiences of dealing with them.

I asked him, “But what it is Dad that corrupts these people?”
“It’s power Michael, the power they have, they want more.”
I felt there was more to it than that.
“But is it as simple as that, they just want more power? What is driving that need for power? What is underneath that?”

We talked more and one thing that we realised is that somewhere in their development, leaders make a choice.

They chose to lead from love or to lead by fear.

Where fear is useful and where it is not

Fear is very useful. It’s a natural evolutionary response that stops us swimming out too far in the sea, makes us look carefully before crossing the road, makes sure we wear gloves when lifting hot food out of the oven. We have learned that certain things can bring pain and danger, and so we have a level of fear and heightened awareness about them. But that doesn’t mean that we lie awake at night scared of the heat of the oven! It just means that we know things can be dangerous to us, and the fear of pain reminds us to take precautions to protect ourselves.

This is all well and good, but can you imagine trying to describe your leaders like that?

They are dangerous
They can cause you pain
You have to take precautions around them so you don’t get hurt

And yet unfortunately there are many leaders in the world today who are like that.

Consider yourself for a moment- are people scared of you? Are you known for being able to cause pain and suffering? Do people have to take precautions around you to handle you? Hopefully not, but even if so, there is a way forward.

There’s a scene in the excellent sci fi film Donnine Darko where the high school students are shown by their teacher a continuum line with fear on one side and love on the other. Fear is in the “negative energy spectrum” and love is in the “positive energy spectrum.” Students are asked to place life events on either side of the line, either as motivated by fear or love. One student rightly questions the simplicity and reductionism of such an approach, saying it ignores the vast variety of extraneous variables and other emotions outside of these two. Life cannot simply be classed as moments of either fear or love.

So we need to be careful when speaking of our motives and reducing life events down into simplicities, and yet there was some value to be had in the film’s exercise- however badly presented it is by the teacher. We tend to live according to that which we value, so if we value fairness, we try to be fair. If we value integrity, then we do our best to show and live integrity in our lives, as we are acting from a deeper part of ourselves.

What we can learn from the military

Now we have considered how people can often reduce life down into fear and love, to try and apprehend it and make it more manageable, and that we tend to live according to our values, we can use these to look at leadership. Fear is not a value, it is not something that we need to think about, or attempt to show in our lives, it’s part of our evolutionary biology, it’s a survival mechanism built into us. When we are fearful, we are not at our best, we are scared, in a heightened state, often anxious and possibly panicked. People who live in a consistent state of fear can be easily manipulated, intimidated and controlled, because they are so worn down by exposure to the things they are scared of.

Some people I have met think that leading through fear can be useful. They often mix it in with concepts such as discipline and routine and respect. Discipline and routine and respect are all excellent things, but they do not need to be modelled on fear. The marines are know for their infamous drill sergeants, shouting at recruits, and of their incredibly tough training camps. And yet, marine servants when interviewed will tell you that the point of this is not to make the recruits scared of their leaders. It is to get the people to work together, to put themselves to one side and be a team- a place where no person is left behind and the unit can always achieve more together.

My experiences in life with friends and colleagues who are military or ex military has taught me the same. The men and women talk of respect and camaraderie with their team mates. They talk of the discipline of what they had to do, and of high standards. The fear was always there, but it was a natural state that came with combat and seeing death up close. There’s no need to motivate with fear- it is already there. I’ve never heard them talking of fear of their leaders, only love for their team mates.

Fear is such a terrible tool for leaders to use to build their communities, teams and systems: you will never get the best out of people. They will always be looking over their shoulder, they will not show respect or admiration, only fear. There will not be laughter and creativity, only fear, people will not breathe deeply and appreciate where they are with you, there will want to get away from you and what you have created as soon as possible.

In the military my friends told me that you can respect the rank of an officer, or you can respect them as a person. Those that are respected because of their ranks will get efforts from their people. But those who are respected because of who they are often get 100% from their team.

And why is that? It’s because the team can sense the passion, the integrity, the love the leader has for their people, the organisation, their country, or for their family, who they are working to provide for. They are leading from something deeper, a motive that is much bigger than themselves and the fear for their own survival.

One of the strongest of these motives, which can be applied to all contexts, is love.

So how do you lead from love?

What does that look like?

In Part 2, we will be exploring how you can begin to lead from a place of love.

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We all want to be happy. Most of us want to live for as long as possible, and if you asked people if they wanted to live both a long and happy life, most would say absolutely! That would be great.

But how do you actually go about it? And what can actually make the most impact on your health and happiness:

Money?
Education?
Life skills?
Attitude?

My life’s work involves both helping people to be healthy and happy and to become their best selves, so I’m hugely interested in finding these answers. And so too, it turns out, are Harvard University.

So what does this mean for us in our daily lives?

This means that even the smallest of interactions, which we have with each other on a daily basis, can be an opportunity for important growth and development. When we are kind and good to each other, we can have an impact that is not just psychological and feels good, but physiological and neurological. The quality of our relationships are not an added extra or something to be thought lesser of; in a very real physical sense, they are a matter of life and death. Herein lies a wonderful opportunity to do real good in our world, knowing that our actions and consequences matter and are we are very important for each other. It is also worth noting that we feel these benefits when interacting with animals too, which makes sense, considering how many people have pets and treat them like a member of the family.

What can we do? In one word, connect

Walking down the street

When you see someone walking down the street towards you, challenge yourself and say hello to them and smile, especially if you do not know them. This may be a bit difficult and make you feel temporarily awkward for a few seconds, but what usually happens is that they say hello back and smile and you will get a short but very noticeable feel good feeling. This is your brain firing the feel good chemicals that are great for your health, and so will theirs! What a wonderful easy way to look after each other. And even if they do not talk back or even smile, your brain knows you have made the effort and will begin the physiological response.

Be aware of the limitations of technology

This is a very important insight that the Harvard study found: the brain did not fire the chemicals when people talked on the phone or engaged with any form of technology. The brain seems to be clever enough to know that if you see someone on a screen video call, that screen is not the person, you are speaking to a representation of that person. So social media, phone and video calls are brilliant for connecting, but for the long lasting health benefits, it is face to face human interaction that we are hardwired for. If you can get some hugs in, even better!

Daily acts of kindness

Here is another chance to re think how important kindness is in our daily lives. Think about this: if you find ways and means to help others and be kind each day, you are actually increasing the chances- on a very real physical level- of benefitting and improving the lives of not only yourself, but every single person that you come into contact with. Remember, the study found that it was quality relationships- both with close loved ones and ordinary everyday social interactions- that was the number one cause of a healthy, happy and long life. When you allow the importance of this to sink into your mind, you will never see kindness, or any good deed that you do ever again, as unimportant. Every kind deed counts. You could be making the difference and saving someone’s life: both in their number of years and the years within their numbers.

Affirming people

Interestingly, I’ve found in my work with people over the last 10 years- both adults and children- that we all want to be affirmed so badly. We want to know that someone cares for us, that we matter. And now we can see why, when we are treated as such and cared for, both our bodies and those of the ones who affirm us, receive psychological and physiological benefits. So try this, the next time you are with someone who is upset, just be there with them. Listen to them and resist the urge to solve their problems. Allow a warm space to open up between the two of you and the silence within to simply say, I understand and I’m here for you. That is often all that we want when we are in our need. For anyone who doubts how powerful and incredible doing this is with no words needed, just try spending just one minute with a dog who is happy to see you- you are will feel amazing straight away!

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Part 3 Empathy

Do you feel me?…

Empathy is all about our ability to understand and share the feelings of others, and it is one of the most important habits of your mind and heart that you can cultivate.

We all want to belong, to feel loved, and understood, and to practice empathy for others is one of the best and truest ways that we can achieve this love that we want.

Think about when you were a child and in pain. You reached out to a family member, probably a parent, and told them how you felt. Perhaps you showed them where your cut or bruise was, or you described to them something that had happened, and how it had upset you and hurt your feelings. Hopefully that family member will have listened, and soothed you with kind words such as “it’s ok” “I understand” “you poor thing” and helped you with a hug, a kiss, a smile or something similar. You felt affirmed, you felt understood, and all of a sudden, you felt a little better. Just look at mothers and fathers with young babies and children- they are often able to do this in seconds! It’s very impressive.

And as we grow up we hopefully still have close family and friend members whom we can go to who will empathise with us: they will listen to our problems, perhaps offer advice and potential help and solutions. But most importantly, they say with their very presence, “I get it, I understand, that must be very difficult” and “I’m here for you.” With that, we feel supported, connected and understood. This is incredibly important for our health and wellbeing.

But somewhere along the line, we all can be guilty of failing to practice empathy with others, and most often, with ourselves. By looking at this for a moment and understanding it, we can gain a deeper understanding of how we can make a positive change, starting today, towards helping others and ourselves in a more authentic and real way.

Strengthening our ability to feel

If you have a friend or family member who is going through a hard time and is upset

• Don’t try and solve their problem for them, be with them (in person or online) and just ask them open ended questions. Resist the urge to tell them what to do or how you would like to solve the issue. They probably don’t want that, they just want to know they you get it, you feel for them and that you care.

If you see someone in your day who is suffering and it upsets you

• Think, why are you upset? Is it because you wouldn’t want this situation for yourself? Or is it that you feel a sense of justice and loving kindness they doesn’t want to see anyone suffer? Follow those feelings! They can lead to wonderful acts and moments of kindness and love.

If you encounter someone who is having problems in your work life

• Ask an open ended question to show you are there for them such as, “what is it that is upsetting you?” Listen to their answer. Allow some silence and then perhaps ask another open ended question, such as, “how would you like things to be?” And just listen and be with them in that moment. You may not feel like you are doing much, but you are, you are affirming them that someone understands them and someone cares for them.

Part 2 Wonder

Do you ever just sit and think, wow, life is an incredible, crazy, powerful, beautiful, terrible yet precious thing?Having an element of wonder in your life is an incredibly powerful way to keep your ongoing experience of life as fresh, fascinating and deep as possible.
Here are three ways you can make wonder a part of your life today.

Everyday wonder

Have a look around where you are, right now. Look at the colours, the shapes, pay attention to the edges of things. Look at what is smooth, what is rough, feel textures, listen for sounds. You can bring this sense of wonderful and profound exploration towards anything. Let’s use some examples.

Try going out today for a walk and finding a tree and just stop and have a good look at it in wonder. Trees are always giving the gift of life to the world through oxygen. They change colours and sleep in the winter, they stand strong and yet bend and move with extreme weather conditions. They outwardly compete for sunlight on the surface, yet share nourishment and vitamins with each other through their roots in the deep dark beneath the surface.

Self reflection-making time for wonder

Try once a week looking through the photos in your phones, or any notes you have made that week. And just be in wonder of all that has happened to you that week: the people, the places, the beautiful, the terrible, the surprising, the new, the exciting, the painful. And take a moment to see that there is so much in your life, where there could be nothing at all. There are people who love you, and yet there might not have been. There have been moments when you laughed, and smiled and were happy, and you were not entitled to them, but they happened freely. There were new, surprising and different things; life is continually evolving and offering you new opportunities, every single day.

Your life cold be cold, and dark and alone. And it is not. It is fully of people, colours, textures, opportunities, joys, pains, feelings, experiences, special moments. And you never had to pay any money for your life or ask to be born. You were just given it all completely freely. Take a minute to truly thing about your life like that- it could completely change your perspective on it.

How to keep in touch with Kataholos:

How to keep in touch with Kataholos:

How to keep in touch with Kataholos: